things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
