wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
