I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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