Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
