life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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