I CAN MOONWALK!
just tell him i said nine months
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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