My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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