So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
