I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Text me some of your sweat
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