Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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