just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Randomize
