All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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