Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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