Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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