Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
