Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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