he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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