I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm too high and old for this...
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
