someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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