Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
