Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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