Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
