New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize