Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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