So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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