My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
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