member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize