Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
