i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
