Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
