I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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