Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Randomize
