I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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