I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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