if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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