i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize