I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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