My girlfriend figured out who you are.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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