Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
