I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
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