Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
The uberlube is also flammable
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
