just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
