You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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