plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
