what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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