My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
