Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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