the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
