i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
