mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
