i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
