if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
