I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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