He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Randomize
