I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
