a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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