____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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