Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize
