I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
