I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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